how to build a better cloned dinosaur theme park

Dinosaurs, Real vs. Dinosaurs, Cinematic

2010-07-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

12. If possible, use actual velociraptors for your theme park. They are tiny and considerably less threatening than the cinematic variety, V. cinematae, which has near-human intelligence, sharp teeth, cruel intentions, and is approximately the size of a kitchen island.

Communications with the mainland, importance of

2009-10-05T14:10:00.000-07:00

11. Assuming your cloned dinosaur theme park will be on an island (which it better be) you should maintain constant and detailed communication with the mainland at all times. This exist in two forms: a) in-person video or telephony, b) continuous link relaying every possible sensor reading.

11 b. maintain a round-the-clock backup team on the mainland who monitors every aspect of the park via the sensor-link. If the connection is broken or the team discovers even the slightest malfunction, the island should be locked down immediately and evacuated ASAP.

Thursday's Pop Quiz

2009-09-24T15:22:00.000-07:00

10. Quick Recombinant DNA Quiz
If you are combining the DNA of another species with the DNA of dinosaurs in order to clone them, should you use:
(a) a species that can change sex, therefore increasing the chances that the dinosaurs will multiply and putting your entire franchise, not to mention your employees and visitors, at risk; or
(b) a species that cannot change sex, therefore keeping your dinosaur population under control?

If you answered (b), then you are well on your way to successful cloned-dinosaur theme park ownership. If you answered (a), then you should do some more research, or maybe hire a couple more PhDs.

Numbers, safety in

2009-09-23T15:39:00.000-07:00

9. Among both park staff and visitors, encourage traveling everywhere in pairs.

Bringing dinosaurs to mainland, craziness of

2009-09-21T08:38:00.001-07:00

8. DO NOT bring any of your cloned dinosaurs to the mainland. It will only get loose and run amok (think King Kong) with much death and destruction to follow.

Guest entry: More bunker logic

2009-09-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

Wise words from a reader:
Your park needs more than one emergency bunker! with tunnels between them that have manual locking steel reinforced doors every 15 feet!

Flying dinosaurs, foolhardiness of

2009-09-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

7. Considering adding dinosaurs that can fly? Why would you even think that was a good idea? Don't do it!

Backup islands, secret

2009-09-18T09:17:00.000-07:00

6. If you build a second, backup island in case the first one doesn't work out--tell some people about it.

Electrical power grid, design of [ctd']

2009-09-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

5c. Backup backup generator, in case something happens to the backup generator.

Electrical power grid, design of [ctd']

2009-09-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

5b. Backup generator.

Electrical power grid, design of

2009-09-17T09:40:00.000-07:00

5. Perhaps you could put the power for different park functions on different circuits, so that the power to the buildings can be reset without having to turn off the electrified fences.

And then put the circuit breakers in the same room as the rest of your equipment, the computers for the security system, and MORE GUNS THAN YOU THINK YOU WILL NEED.

Security system engineers, trustworthiness of

2009-09-16T15:41:00.000-07:00

4b. do not hire that guy from Seinfeld to build your security system. He is devious.

Chaos theorists, attitude problems of

2009-09-16T15:32:00.001-07:00

4a. Do not invite Jeff Goldblum to your launch. He is grumpy.

Carnivores, poor planning and

2009-09-10T21:27:00.000-07:00

3. Why are there giant, meat-eating dinosaurs in your theme park? THEY WILL EAT YOUR CUSTOMERS.

Customer-dinosaur interactions

2009-09-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

2. No matter what your PR people may tell you and no matter how great it would be for visitors to your park to be able to pet, hug, or play with your cuter dinosaurs, don't fall prey to this classic mistake. Availability to one is availability to all in a disaster scenario. That Triceratops may be cute, but a T-Rex will bite you in freaking half man. Your dinosaurs and visitors to your park should never be in a position to directly interact with each other in any fashion. Dinosaurs are deadly creatures, remember that.

Bunkers, impenetrable and well-stocked

2009-09-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

1. Build a very secure underground bunker in an easily accessible location. Stock it with bottled water, food, batteries, a satellite phone, and MORE GUNS THAN YOU THINK YOU WILL NEED.