Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dinosaurs, Real vs. Dinosaurs, Cinematic

12. If possible, use actual velociraptors for your theme park. They are tiny and considerably less threatening than the cinematic variety, V. cinematae, which has near-human intelligence, sharp teeth, cruel intentions, and is approximately the size of a kitchen island.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Communications with the mainland, importance of

11. Assuming your cloned dinosaur theme park will be on an island (which it better be) you should maintain constant and detailed communication with the mainland at all times. This exist in two forms: a) in-person video or telephony, b) continuous link relaying every possible sensor reading.

11 b. maintain a round-the-clock backup team on the mainland who monitors every aspect of the park via the sensor-link. If the connection is broken or the team discovers even the slightest malfunction, the island should be locked down immediately and evacuated ASAP.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Thursday's Pop Quiz

10. Quick Recombinant DNA Quiz
If you are combining the DNA of another species with the DNA of dinosaurs in order to clone them, should you use:
(a) a species that can change sex, therefore increasing the chances that the dinosaurs will multiply and putting your entire franchise, not to mention your employees and visitors, at risk; or
(b) a species that cannot change sex, therefore keeping your dinosaur population under control?

If you answered (b), then you are well on your way to successful cloned-dinosaur theme park ownership. If you answered (a), then you should do some more research, or maybe hire a couple more PhDs.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Numbers, safety in

9. Among both park staff and visitors, encourage traveling everywhere in pairs.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Bringing dinosaurs to mainland, craziness of

8. DO NOT bring any of your cloned dinosaurs to the mainland. It will only get loose and run amok (think King Kong) with much death and destruction to follow.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Guest entry: More bunker logic

Wise words from a reader:
Your park needs more than one emergency bunker! with tunnels between them that have manual locking steel reinforced doors every 15 feet!

Flying dinosaurs, foolhardiness of

7. Considering adding dinosaurs that can fly? Why would you even think that was a good idea? Don't do it!

Backup islands, secret

6. If you build a second, backup island in case the first one doesn't work out--tell some people about it.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Electrical power grid, design of [ctd']

5c. Backup backup generator, in case something happens to the backup generator.

Electrical power grid, design of [ctd']

5b. Backup generator.

Electrical power grid, design of

5. Perhaps you could put the power for different park functions on different circuits, so that the power to the buildings can be reset without having to turn off the electrified fences.

And then put the circuit breakers in the same room as the rest of your equipment, the computers for the security system, and MORE GUNS THAN YOU THINK YOU WILL NEED.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Security system engineers, trustworthiness of

4b. do not hire that guy from Seinfeld to build your security system. He is devious.

Chaos theorists, attitude problems of

4a. Do not invite Jeff Goldblum to your launch. He is grumpy.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Carnivores, poor planning and

3. Why are there giant, meat-eating dinosaurs in your theme park? THEY WILL EAT YOUR CUSTOMERS.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Customer-dinosaur interactions

2. No matter what your PR people may tell you and no matter how great it would be for visitors to your park to be able to pet, hug, or play with your cuter dinosaurs, don't fall prey to this classic mistake. Availability to one is availability to all in a disaster scenario. That Triceratops may be cute, but a T-Rex will bite you in freaking half man. Your dinosaurs and visitors to your park should never be in a position to directly interact with each other in any fashion. Dinosaurs are deadly creatures, remember that.